Saturday, March 13, 2021

Oppositional Defiant Disorder

 

Paper I wrote on Oppositional Defiant Disorder. 


I will not be punished. Oppositional defiant is often seen as a childhood disorder but in my case I'm still defiant at 50 years old. I have been my whole life. I am a rebel spirit. I am an indomitable soul.


Although I did not steal. I did not want to control people. I was not cruel to animals. I was not out to start fights or hurt people. That's not say I wasn't in them.


As a kid I was always angry. I was always irritable. I was always argumentative. I have never even as an adult respected authority. 


I bow to no man.


As a kid in school, if I was going to get punished; I'd have a fit or a meltdown. if it was a choice between having to do something or getting swats with the school paddle, I took the swats every time. 


I would not stay anywhere. I would not stay in my room at home. I would not stay at my desk or in the corner at school. I just didn't care. If that meant swats,  that's what it meant. 


I ran off when I pleased. That was usually when I was overstimulated. I would take off to the woods for the day. I was going to get swat when I got home or back to the school, I didn't care.  


I would just take them. I might cry. I might bawl. They might really hurt. It wasn't that long I bawled or cried about them. Eventually became this is just what I have to do. 


If somebody, a teacher, a student, anybody got in my face; I got in their's. I never backed down. Even if the other kid was a better fighter than me. I didn't care. I got beat up a great number of times doing that.


Not only did I get in a lot of fights. I got blamed for so many fights that I didn't do. There wasn't very many fights at school that weren't my fault even if I wasn't on that side of the school. 


I was always happy to see the teacher screw up or do something stupid. I would giggle or smile. They knew what it meant. A lot of times I got swat for that. Never stopped me. 


I would go as far as I could to vindicate myself.


Like for example, the teacher would tell everybody open your book to page 162. I would open my book up. I would start reading to the end of the chapter. I am a 10 to 20 P.P.M. reader. it was just a couple minutes at most before I was done reading the chapter. 


I would get out a book that I brought with me. One day I brought my 3D graphics programming book.  


The teacher wasn't happy. She started asking me questions about what we were doing.  I'd already read it and learned it. I had already read it at the start of the year because I always read my books at the start of the year. So I had learned it twice. I got all the questions right. She was damn well pissed. 


She decided that I couldn't read my 3D programming book anyway. Why not. It's not like I needed to read more of the textbook. So she took my book away from me. 


The teacher was a big time Christian and had quite a number of crosses and bibles around her desk. This was in the early 80s before all the political drama happened. 


That evening I got some of my money. I payed a high school age friend ifor  driving me over to the bookstores by the University. I bought a copy of Anton lavey's, "The Satanic Bible." 


The next day right after lunch, wee all open our books. I read the chapter in less than 2 minutes; It wasn't even 20 pages. Again I'd already read the whole book at the start of year. So again it was the second time that I've learned it. 


While she's talking and drawing on the blackboard I got out Tthe Satanic Bible and started reading it.


She didn't even ask any questions this time. She just walked over and took the book away from me. She started complaining, until she seen what it 

was…


She was totally shocked. Too shocked to yell at me. She couldn't hold on to itt. It fell out of her hand like kryptonite. 


She started at that book for more than 30 seconds.


I walked over and picked it up off the floor. I went and sat back down at my desk. I lalughed at her. I laughed again. I laughed again.


She asked me, "What are you doing with That Book?!"


I said if my 3D graphics programming book is not okay,; I thought I might pick one out just for you.


She said I can read my 3D graphics programming book it was okay. She went and got it for me. 


She went and got the principal to take the book away from me. I had a meltdown, a temper tantrum, and a major fit, all in once.


The principal said, "Give the book to me. Now!" 


He tried to take it out of my hand. I wouldn't give it to him. More fits.


He hauls me down to the office by my hair and ear. I got swats. 


I still had my book. 


She never bothered me about my books again. I never brought in another book to piss her off again.


Although every new teacher every year had to tried to take the books. I never missed a question they asked me. Nobody made me bring in more than three books. Once I had a book for them, they gave in. Except for one I had to bring in another one for her.


I continued getting swats throughout 7th and 8th grade but once high School came the swats were over. I was simply too big for them to give me swats. 


In high school they didn't cause me trouble. I didn't cause them trouble. They let me come and go home as I pleased, Which I only lived I half a block from the school. So it became all on me, if lI was going to pass or fail. They beat me in my own game. Damn it.


After I became a fourth degree knight of Columbus I applied to go in the seminary. I went to the seminary in at first of September 1992.  The seminary was a formation like the army with discipline. They didn't like me. W

here other students got picked on equally in other classes. I was the only one got picked on my classes. That showed me that they clearly didn't want me there.


In the seminary there are vows, poverty, chastity, and obdience. I hadn't had very much money so that was a problem. I hadn't had hardly any sex so that was no problem. Obedience, that was a problem.


There was no way that I could give my word to God that I would do what another man said. Let alone one of them.


I was on my way out of there in less than a month. 


I started getting jobs in restaurants and department stores. Thre was times that I was going to get punished and I'd walk out. I never once got fired from a job in my life. I always told them where to stick it. 


The best one was when a boss said, "it's my way or the highway."


I said,  "it is are nice sunny day outside."


He couldn't believe it, as I walked out the door.  He tarted to follow me.


I told him where he could go.


It was a nice sunny day outside too. I went for a drive on down through the national forest. Felt So Good.


I went through like 15 jobs in five years and I didn't have employment necessarily half the of each year. I was not afraid to tell them where to stick those jobs. I don't care. I could get another one. I was looking for a job when I got those.


I got a job at an internet service provider. I did such good work for them that he let me come back multiple times after telling him where to stick their job. 


Finally a television network called me and asked me to be their system administrator because they were tired of having to call me. 


I had some major fits there. I think I'm the only person ever got away with having a major fit outside the studio. I told him where they all could go. Then I had a temper tantrum like a little 12 year. Again like the internet service provider, I did such good work. I made them so much money. I wrote so much software for them. I wrote so many technical menus. They let me come back. Many times. 


I got in all kinds of arguments with other employees when they tried to tell me what to do or assert their authority. Some of those were fits. I got a lot of trouble. The other employees had figured out that all they had to do was assert their authority. I'd have a fit or would walk out the door. So I lost every argument and got in trouble every time. 


Even during my 12 step program when other people assorted their authority I had some fits and got in trouble. Especially during some training weekends. Program team meetings. Employee meetings.


Even here this last year at the mighty I've had some fits. 


I still don't like authority to this day. I don't think I ever will. I'm better at handling it then I ever had been but that's not the say I handle it well. At least I've gotten a little smarter. I don't know that I can say much more than that.


For all being embarrassment I have caused myself by not submitting, by not giving in,  by not bowing, I have done some great things for others by sharing my indomitable spirit.


When I have talked to suicidal people not only have I given them a great amount of attention but they also receive my defiance. 


When they have been wronged llby doctors. They know that I truly mean what I say. 


When they have been wronged by therapist they know that I am not lying when I've been through it too. 


When they have been in the hospital they know that I mean what I say when I say, "Well F...Them!"


They know that I am defying what happened to them. I am not trying to get them to submit and give into the mental health l system. I am not trying to make them bow to the doctor. I'm opposed to the wrongs that have been done to them. 


I am now more than ever proud to say that I am an Oppositional Defiant. 


I will do everything I can to help you do the same. 



 









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